As I was pacing back and forth, suddenly a realisation came to me. I haven't had a conversation with my father for like 9 months already.
Its the ending of september and I am still 19.
Im in a situation where I needed to make some life decisions.
I have to grow up at the edge of my teen years.
I needed my father.
I need his opinions.
I need his promising words.
I need his comfort.
I need his help.
I need his presence.
I need him.
If things isnt what it is, he could've.. He could've..
I am, but from Prada to Nada.
My Prada doesn't literally means having fancy handbags, shoes and other type of branded belongings. But something much worth than that. But a happiness I called, Prada-perfect. Okay, I just made that up. Simply said, a happy life I could never ask for much better. A great family, nice house, perfect friends, awesome neighborhood, financially stable, and a decent future I can imagine for myself. I lived happily and hoping it'll stick to ever after.
But yeah, a boat is not always smooth-sailing. Dad got stoke and I'm feeling dreadful. Kinda changed our life 180. He's sorta the bulk of our family tree. Which then, my Nada begins. 'Nada' in Spanish actually means nothing. Kinda distressful that your name means the word nothing. Well, I do feel like nothing at present. I feel like my presence is like a shadow in a faded light nowadays.
My heart is also like a bulb with a faded lighting that goes on and off. I became unpassionate about everything, closes the door to life. I'm seconds away to live lifelessly. But I didn't forget Allah swt. Just because of Him, I still can stand on the ground, believing that there's always a silver lining. It's okay to feel sad. It's cuz you're a normal human being, not that you're complaining about fate.
Well, this is a frustrating way to end this entry. So how about you take an arabic dictionary and you'll find that Nada also means 'Dew'. The dew drops in the refreshing calm morning. A dew, a sign of a fresh start. A sign of waking up. A sign of the beginning of a much greater things in the upcoming. I am here, named Nada will surely find my way to a great start in my life, fill it with joy again.
And I surely can't wait for it to begin.. :)
Sometimes dreams can take you places you wanna go, makes you the happiest person. For the first time in 31days, I was soo happy. I dreamt of my dad wakes up, being healthy and being himself again. I had this kinda dream a few times before but this time it felt so real. I was sincerely really happy that I felt like all this miserables I'm having are finally ending. But suddenly like a non-aerial tv, the dream started to fade away as I was yanked back to the reality when I woke up.. I woke up.. Im gripped in pain.."Ya Allah..pahitnya realiti.." I thought to myself in heartache, and opened up to God while crying to myself. I realised this is something Allah had planned for me and I as a servant must go on with it as He is the best planner. Though I'm always praying for the best and not giving up, I must strongly face the truth..for better or for worst and not giving up on Allah. InshaAllah I pray that everything is going to be better though I felt like I'm living my life now in pretences. The happiness and smiles I'm wearing nowadays doesnt seem real as I felt like my heart is dying.. It's been 31days. It's been a month now you've been sleeping. You never know how much that time kills me inside. Maybe that's why I had the dream, just to soothe my mind though it was just seeing you back for one night... Dad, I prayed for you being in the best places :') I'll be the daughter you always hoped for.
My father, My Ayah.
This pain I get in my throat when I'm holding back tears. Somehow I'm getting used to that. The most unbelievable happened, yet I still can't seem to fathom the truth. Maybe that's what keeps me going still. But seeing you dad, seeing you laying so still on the hospital bed yanked me back to the reality. I'm gripped in a painful swirl of miserable heartache.. I'm new to this grief I can't explain.
Though cold hard science defies even a speck of the possibility of such thing called miracle, somehow I'm still holding on to that. Every single day I am. For that, is the only way you could wake up.
Wake up, wake up, wake up. I prayed and whispered that to you everyday. Wake up and see me now, Dad. Please just wake up. I want you to see me graduate, seeing me getting married. When I'm all grown up I want to go back home, seeing you & mom waiting for me at the stairs with your grey hair. That's all I've been planning our life's gonna be. I've always been.
Remembering all these plans, brings me back to you. How is it possible when you're being like this? I'm still your little girl and I need you by my side, for you are the king in my heart. It kills me as I'm tired of waking up in tears.
Like a non-stop drizzle on a cloudy day, that's how my days are though how majestically shiny the sun gets ever since you went to sleep, Dad. As I stare through the window in the car, I bit my lips just to hold in the tears that keeps brimming in my misty eyes. It feels hard to swallow as if there's a lump choking my throat to hold in tears. The feeling is as similar as how hard is it for me to swallow and accept the reality. Sometimes I felt like this whole thing is a joke, like I could wake up from this dream. But its as real as it gets.
I miss you, Dad. I wholeheartly do. It's burning me alive. Will I ever smile again? It hurts me, so painful that I couldn't put it into words. Never before I felt such heartache. You're the best person, I couldnt've ask for much better.
While I still have the time, I kept staring at your face. Trying to remember every single detail of your face so that I wouldn't forget. I wouldn't forget it, if you ever to leave me. But by staring at you, just dampen my tired eyes. So I put my hand under your warm palm. It gave warmth to my wounded heart as I know you're still there. I miss the time you were around, and I'm grateful for every moment I spent with you, Dad.
"Night and day, I still feel you are close to me
And I remember you in every prayer that I make
Every single day may you be shaded by His mercy
But life is not the same, and it will never be the same
But I’m so thankful for every memory I shared with you
Cause I know this life is not forever"
This pain I get in my throat when I'm holding back tears. Somehow I'm getting used to that. The most unbelievable happened, yet I still can't seem to fathom the truth. Maybe that's what keeps me going still. But seeing you dad, seeing you laying so still on the hospital bed yanked me back to the reality. I'm gripped in a painful swirl of miserable heartache.. I'm new to this grief I can't explain.
Though cold hard science defies even a speck of the possibility of such thing called miracle, somehow I'm still holding on to that. Every single day I am. For that, is the only way you could wake up.
Wake up, wake up, wake up. I prayed and whispered that to you everyday. Wake up and see me now, Dad. Please just wake up. I want you to see me graduate, seeing me getting married. When I'm all grown up I want to go back home, seeing you & mom waiting for me at the stairs with your grey hair. That's all I've been planning our life's gonna be. I've always been.
Remembering all these plans, brings me back to you. How is it possible when you're being like this? I'm still your little girl and I need you by my side, for you are the king in my heart. It kills me as I'm tired of waking up in tears.
Like a non-stop drizzle on a cloudy day, that's how my days are though how majestically shiny the sun gets ever since you went to sleep, Dad. As I stare through the window in the car, I bit my lips just to hold in the tears that keeps brimming in my misty eyes. It feels hard to swallow as if there's a lump choking my throat to hold in tears. The feeling is as similar as how hard is it for me to swallow and accept the reality. Sometimes I felt like this whole thing is a joke, like I could wake up from this dream. But its as real as it gets.
I miss you, Dad. I wholeheartly do. It's burning me alive. Will I ever smile again? It hurts me, so painful that I couldn't put it into words. Never before I felt such heartache. You're the best person, I couldnt've ask for much better.
While I still have the time, I kept staring at your face. Trying to remember every single detail of your face so that I wouldn't forget. I wouldn't forget it, if you ever to leave me. But by staring at you, just dampen my tired eyes. So I put my hand under your warm palm. It gave warmth to my wounded heart as I know you're still there. I miss the time you were around, and I'm grateful for every moment I spent with you, Dad.
"Night and day, I still feel you are close to me
And I remember you in every prayer that I make
Every single day may you be shaded by His mercy
But life is not the same, and it will never be the same
But I’m so thankful for every memory I shared with you
Cause I know this life is not forever"
"There were days when I had no strength to go on
I felt so weak and I just couldn’t help asking: “Why?”
But I got through all the pain when I truly accepted
That to God we all belong, and to Him we’ll return"
Dad, I am but pieces of you and I'm proud. You're alive inside of me, and I can feel that you're always with me no matter where you are. But I didn't get to tell you, that I LOVE YOU, always and forever. So this is my love letter to you.
Sincerely, your little girl
Nada
I realized it's been a long time since I've 'touched' this blog. I realized that I've disappointed some of my invisible readers.
How am I doing during these times? Live-changing. Though it's been roughly less than a year, it's been live-changing. How is that so? Distance. People. Lifestyle. Growing up.
But I never forget the ones I temporarily left. I never stopped thinking about them. I've predicted that things aren't gonna be the same when distance separates people. Though this futuristic world already provides many ways of communications, but it's just never the same.
When people are going their separate ways, people grow up and have their other life that they have to take of. Lack of technology for communication is just an excuse for not being in contact. But somehow, as time went on people do too.
I wonder how these people are doing. Do they miss me, or have they forgotten me?
People say that they'll remember us forever. But, forever is long time. And time, has a way of changing people.
Reminiscing back the old times, I could drop a tear or two when thinking back how nice these people to me back then.
Sunk in the longing of past that gets heavier as time passes,
Can I travel back to that time?
But, these are just foolish thoughts. I must focus on my own life now.
However, no matter how long the time goes on, distance separates, I hope these people may still think of me, in their shredded and dimmed memories..
How am I doing during these times? Live-changing. Though it's been roughly less than a year, it's been live-changing. How is that so? Distance. People. Lifestyle. Growing up.
But I never forget the ones I temporarily left. I never stopped thinking about them. I've predicted that things aren't gonna be the same when distance separates people. Though this futuristic world already provides many ways of communications, but it's just never the same.
When people are going their separate ways, people grow up and have their other life that they have to take of. Lack of technology for communication is just an excuse for not being in contact. But somehow, as time went on people do too.
I wonder how these people are doing. Do they miss me, or have they forgotten me?
People say that they'll remember us forever. But, forever is long time. And time, has a way of changing people.
Reminiscing back the old times, I could drop a tear or two when thinking back how nice these people to me back then.
Sunk in the longing of past that gets heavier as time passes,
Can I travel back to that time?
But, these are just foolish thoughts. I must focus on my own life now.
However, no matter how long the time goes on, distance separates, I hope these people may still think of me, in their shredded and dimmed memories..
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