This pain I get in my throat when I'm holding back tears. Somehow I'm getting used to that. The most unbelievable happened, yet I still can't seem to fathom the truth. Maybe that's what keeps me going still. But seeing you dad, seeing you laying so still on the hospital bed yanked me back to the reality. I'm gripped in a painful swirl of miserable heartache.. I'm new to this grief I can't explain.
Though cold hard science defies even a speck of the possibility of such thing called miracle, somehow I'm still holding on to that. Every single day I am. For that, is the only way you could wake up.
Wake up, wake up, wake up. I prayed and whispered that to you everyday. Wake up and see me now, Dad. Please just wake up. I want you to see me graduate, seeing me getting married. When I'm all grown up I want to go back home, seeing you & mom waiting for me at the stairs with your grey hair. That's all I've been planning our life's gonna be. I've always been.
Remembering all these plans, brings me back to you. How is it possible when you're being like this? I'm still your little girl and I need you by my side, for you are the king in my heart. It kills me as I'm tired of waking up in tears.
Like a non-stop drizzle on a cloudy day, that's how my days are though how majestically shiny the sun gets ever since you went to sleep, Dad. As I stare through the window in the car, I bit my lips just to hold in the tears that keeps brimming in my misty eyes. It feels hard to swallow as if there's a lump choking my throat to hold in tears. The feeling is as similar as how hard is it for me to swallow and accept the reality. Sometimes I felt like this whole thing is a joke, like I could wake up from this dream. But its as real as it gets.
I miss you, Dad. I wholeheartly do. It's burning me alive. Will I ever smile again? It hurts me, so painful that I couldn't put it into words. Never before I felt such heartache. You're the best person, I couldnt've ask for much better.
While I still have the time, I kept staring at your face. Trying to remember every single detail of your face so that I wouldn't forget. I wouldn't forget it, if you ever to leave me. But by staring at you, just dampen my tired eyes. So I put my hand under your warm palm. It gave warmth to my wounded heart as I know you're still there. I miss the time you were around, and I'm grateful for every moment I spent with you, Dad.
"Night and day, I still feel you are close to me
And I remember you in every prayer that I make
Every single day may you be shaded by His mercy
But life is not the same, and it will never be the same
But I’m so thankful for every memory I shared with you
Cause I know this life is not forever"
"There were days when I had no strength to go on
I felt so weak and I just couldn’t help asking: “Why?”
But I got through all the pain when I truly accepted
That to God we all belong, and to Him we’ll return"
Dad, I am but pieces of you and I'm proud. You're alive inside of me, and I can feel that you're always with me no matter where you are. But I didn't get to tell you, that I LOVE YOU, always and forever. So this is my love letter to you.
Sincerely, your little girl
Nada
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