He could've

As I was pacing back and forth, suddenly a realisation came to me. I haven't had a conversation with my father for like 9 months already. Its the ending of september and I am still 19. Im in a situation where I needed to make some life decisions. I have to grow up at the edge of my teen years. I needed my father. I need his opinions. I need his promising words. I need his comfort. I need his help. I need his presence. I need him. If things isnt what it is, he could've.. He could've..

From Prada To Nada

I am, but from Prada to Nada. My Prada doesn't literally means having fancy handbags, shoes and other type of branded belongings. But something much worth than that. But a happiness I called, Prada-perfect. Okay, I just made that up. Simply said, a happy life I could never ask for much better. A great family, nice house, perfect friends, awesome neighborhood, financially stable, and a decent future I can imagine for myself. I lived happily and hoping it'll stick to ever after. But yeah, a boat is not always smooth-sailing. Dad got stoke and I'm feeling dreadful. Kinda changed our life 180. He's sorta the bulk of our family tree. Which then, my Nada begins. 'Nada' in Spanish actually means nothing. Kinda distressful that your name means the word nothing. Well, I do feel like nothing at present. I feel like my presence is like a shadow in a faded light nowadays. My heart is also like a bulb with a faded lighting that goes on and off. I became unpassionate about everything, closes the door to life. I'm seconds away to live lifelessly. But I didn't forget Allah swt. Just because of Him, I still can stand on the ground, believing that there's always a silver lining. It's okay to feel sad. It's cuz you're a normal human being, not that you're complaining about fate. Well, this is a frustrating way to end this entry. So how about you take an arabic dictionary and you'll find that Nada also means 'Dew'. The dew drops in the refreshing calm morning. A dew, a sign of a fresh start. A sign of waking up. A sign of the beginning of a much greater things in the upcoming. I am here, named Nada will surely find my way to a great start in my life, fill it with joy again. And I surely can't wait for it to begin.. :)

Black & white

The smell of the stimmed fish reminded me of the dinner table back at home. Oh how nice it was...before.. Sometimes you need a good cry just to let go of everything, and move on with your life...

The 31th

Sometimes dreams can take you places you wanna go, makes you the happiest person. For the first time in 31days, I was soo happy. I dreamt of my dad wakes up, being healthy and being himself again. I had this kinda dream a few times before but this time it felt so real. I was sincerely really happy that I felt like all this miserables I'm having are finally ending. But suddenly like a non-aerial tv, the dream started to fade away as I was yanked back to the reality when I woke up.. I woke up.. Im gripped in pain.."Ya Allah..pahitnya realiti.." I thought to myself in heartache, and opened up to God while crying to myself. I realised this is something Allah had planned for me and I as a servant must go on with it as He is the best planner. Though I'm always praying for the best and not giving up, I must strongly face the truth..for better or for worst and not giving up on Allah. InshaAllah I pray that everything is going to be better though I felt like I'm living my life now in pretences. The happiness and smiles I'm wearing nowadays doesnt seem real as I felt like my heart is dying.. It's been 31days. It's been a month now you've been sleeping. You never know how much that time kills me inside. Maybe that's why I had the dream, just to soothe my mind though it was just seeing you back for one night... Dad, I prayed for you being in the best places :') I'll be the daughter you always hoped for.

Dearly Beloved ღ

My father, My Ayah.

   This pain I get in my throat when I'm holding back tears. Somehow I'm getting used to that. The most unbelievable happened, yet I still can't seem to fathom the truth. Maybe that's what keeps me going still. But seeing you dad, seeing you laying so still on the hospital bed yanked me back to the reality. I'm gripped in a painful swirl of miserable heartache.. I'm new to this grief I can't explain.

Though cold hard science defies even a speck of the possibility of such thing called miracle, somehow I'm still holding on to that. Every single day I am. For that, is the only way you could wake up.

Wake up, wake up, wake up. I prayed and whispered that to you everyday. Wake up and see me now, Dad. Please just wake up. I want you to see me graduate, seeing me getting married. When I'm all grown up I want to go back home, seeing you & mom waiting for me at the stairs with your grey hair. That's all I've been planning our life's gonna be. I've always been.

Remembering all these plans, brings me back to you. How is it possible when you're being like this?  I'm still your little girl and I need you by my side, for you are the king in my heart. It kills me as I'm tired of waking up in tears.

Like a non-stop drizzle on a cloudy day, that's how my days are though how majestically shiny the sun gets ever since you went to sleep, Dad. As I stare through the window in the car, I bit my lips just to hold in the tears that keeps brimming in my misty eyes. It feels hard to swallow as if there's a lump choking my throat to hold in tears. The feeling is as similar as how hard is it for me to swallow and accept the reality. Sometimes I felt like this whole thing is a joke, like I could wake up from this dream. But its as real as it gets.

I miss you, Dad. I wholeheartly do. It's burning me alive. Will I ever smile again? It hurts me, so painful that I couldn't put it into words. Never before I felt such heartache. You're the best person, I couldnt've ask for much better.

While I still have the time, I kept staring at your face. Trying to remember every single detail of your face so that I wouldn't forget. I wouldn't forget it, if you ever to leave me. But by staring at you, just dampen my tired eyes. So I put my hand under your warm palm. It gave warmth to my wounded heart as I know you're still there. I miss the time you were around, and I'm grateful for every moment I spent with you, Dad.


"Night and day, I still feel you are close to me
And I remember you in every prayer that I make
Every single day may you be shaded by His mercy
But life is not the same, and it will never be the same
But I’m so thankful for every memory I shared with you
Cause I know this life is not forever"

"There were days when I had no strength to go on

I felt so weak and I just couldn’t help asking: “Why?”

But I got through all the pain when I truly accepted

That to God we all belong, and to Him we’ll return"

Dad, I am but pieces of you and I'm proud. You're alive inside of me, and I can feel that you're always with me no matter where you are. But I didn't get to tell you, that I LOVE YOU, always and forever. So this is my love letter to you.

Sincerely, your little girl

Nada

Time

I realized it's been a long time since I've 'touched' this blog. I realized that I've disappointed some of my invisible readers.

How am I doing during these times? Live-changing. Though it's been roughly less than a year, it's been live-changing. How is that so? Distance. People. Lifestyle. Growing up.

But I never forget the ones I temporarily left. I never stopped thinking about them. I've predicted that things aren't gonna be the same when distance separates people. Though this futuristic world already provides many ways of communications, but it's just never the same.

When people are going their separate ways, people grow up and have their other life that they have to take of. Lack of technology for communication is just an excuse for not being in contact. But somehow, as time went on people do too.

I wonder how these people are doing. Do they miss me, or have they forgotten me?
People say that they'll remember us forever. But, forever is long time. And time, has a way of changing people.

Reminiscing back the old times, I could drop a tear or two when thinking back how nice these people to me back then.

Sunk in the longing of past that gets heavier as time passes,
Can I travel back to that time?

But, these are just foolish thoughts. I must focus on my own life now.
However, no matter how long the time goes on, distance separates, I hope these people may still think of me, in their shredded and dimmed memories..

As many times as I blink I think of You

In this context, YOU is referred to KIBA. KIBA aka Kursus Intensif Bahasa Arab. Why do I hyperbolically treasure KIBA? It all started like this…

24^th May 2012

I arrived at D’Embassy Residence & Suites in Kuantan for the registration and this is where I gonna stay for the next 3 months. Everything was so odd for me for the first time but I was excited. Excited of getting new friends, experience and knowledge. On the first day all students were given a briefing about the program in the D’Embassy Hall. That was also when I usha-usha all the students just to the faces that I’d be friends with. I kinda felt down to earth because I know that all of them are high achievers. But that doesn’t disturb me much as my first goal here was to focus on the studies.

My room was B5-31 and there will be 6 students sharing. My roommates are Fatin Hamimi, Zawin Najah, Hazirah, Sumayyah Hanoum, and Razznie Elyssa. At first it was awkward because we were new aquaintances. But they are the most awesome people I have to say.

The place that we’ll be studying is at IKIP International College, IKIP 5 Taman Pertanian. It was a nice place though the buildings looks like secondary schools’ buildings. Ouh before I forgot, there are about 137 students who joined KIBA 2012. 69 are MARA Medical students (50 dentistry & 19 medic), and the other half are of Islamic Banking & Economy, Qiraat & Ulum Islamiah students under Yayasan Pahang and MARA. We were given more briefing about the program & studies at IKIP Hall. Some of the Ustaz/Ustazah used Arabic language when giving the briefing and I was like, “okay, now I’m screwed….”. But I wasn’t that all worried because I’m not the only person here who doesn’t understand arabic fluently.

Long story cut short, after a few days staying at D’Embassy, we have the orientation aka OSEM (Orientasi…) at Pantai Sepat. This is when I started knowing some of my batch mates. All this to say, you totally can’t judge a person by its cover. The people here, are just so talented. Not to mention their critical thinking and public speaking abilities. MasyaAllah, I was mesmerized by the talents. I was among the group named Orang-orang Osem (O3) and I was the raisah – randomly picked by the facilitator. My team mates, are OSEM indeed. I’m totally in love with their passion and spirit. I was humbled by their osemness.

 These are the people! Miss them :)

 Though we didn't win, I still think we're the best. SINCERELY.

This is a mosque. Our mission was to make a building or sculpture out of scraps. Ali a.k.a Hazarul Afiq made a GREAT job of describing this mosque, which made him the best participant in this camp. I couldn't agree more. 

IKIP - Day 3

Well, today is my Day 3 at Kuantan. I'm here, on my bed, in my hostel, at D'Embassy.

P/S : D'Why D'Do D'People D'Really D'Like D'To D'Put D'Names D'For D'Hotels D'Or D'Restaurants D'Like D'This?

Anyway, the place is great, the studying might be challenging a lil' bit but I ought to do my best. Afdhal! Ececeh.. Gambatte! To anyone who read this, pray for my best please..

Some of the things I learnt from here is that you must totally be confident in yourself, and always always be independent. I also learn a new thing. The thing called homesickness. During twilight, visuals of home, family, cat, old friends always took over my mind. That's the time I always questioned myself. Is this what I want? Can I survive this? Am I being too ambitious that my heart can't take it?

But, as far as I'm concerned I'm doing okay :-)
As the sun shines brightly, my mood and spirit would incline back and my realisation of doing what's right came taking over. I must do my best and survive this for the sake of my family, and the future family of my own. LOL.

I'll continue writing my experiences here, again. Until then, assalamualaikum.

The Word Thank You

To me right now, the word thank you have many meaningful meanings in it, as well as many people I want to say it out loud to them. And, to Allah in which I wanted to repeat the word thousands of time in my heart.

My family members, for never giving up on me, and did what ever it takes so that the thing called secured future is always there for me.

My friends, whom I thought they just couldn't get any better, but they just did! Thanks for the all the support, and thanks for being sucha sport!

Thanks to Allah for all the chance You've given. At times I thought I've sinned too much that I didn't deserve anymore chances, yet You're still there pouring me with Your kindness. I just couldn't thank more..

Thank you so much!

;-)

"Masuklah kamu ke negeri Mesir, Insya Allah kamu berada di dalam aman" 

- ( Yusuf : 99 )

Writing Is a Beautiful Thing

I am grateful, for I've been capable of writing and reading.

There are some in this world who never learn how to do so.




For me, writing is a beautiful thing. It is my way of telling stories, my way of showering my readers with my deep inner feelings and emotions, my way of showing who I truly am in the inside, my way of sharing my secrets, my way of conveying my personal thoughts, my way of showing what's going on in my secretive mind, and my way of weeping in silence.

Everything I wrote, really comes from my heart and I usually write when there's something altering my emotions. Wow, sounded really dramatic right? But to be quite frank, I'm a pretty dramatic person when it comes to writing. But what's funny is that I can never speak the way I write. In person, I think I'm a rather stoned-face person, and it's a really hard thing for me to share my true feelings when it comes to things that only matter to me, and not really important to someone else. I always blurted funny jokes and normal speeches when talking, not really sharing any emotion-talking. I would if I was forced though. I would if it brings good in something.

So, whenever I can't handle any emotional breakdown or any unimaginable happiness, I write. It's like, coverting all of what's in my mind into something that's readable. Countless times I've pointed out my entry to a specific person. Who that is, only me and Allah knows. Whether that person knows or not, it doesn't matter. What matters to me, probably doesn't really matter to everyone. I'm like a small fish in a very very big pond, the sea. In which, the sea is the world.

And I wanna tell you guys another secret right now. I'm actually writing this out of depression. Predictable ain't it?

Depressed of not knowing. Not knowing of why some people are making drastic judgements when they are hurt or angry. Thus, making decisions before they can think deeply. I always wanted to say to these people, who do you think you are? But I do not hate them. I think it's wrong to hate people blindly without thinking about the good things they did in their life. My problem is that I can't stay mad. I always end up forgiving people even if they don't deserve it. 

So that's that. I've spilled it.

Glad I could write it. Writing is pretty much magical. It makes you feel good in way that you get to release all your frustrations. Through writing, you could tell your life stories. You could touch people's heart. You could do magic. You could go beyond the norm.

Writing. Doesn't need lots of thinking. Doesn't need a lot of brainpower.
You just write what your heart says.

Writing, is a beautiful thing..

Unwell

There are times that people are feeling unwell for some unreasonable reasons.

As for me, this unwell disease come and go at some particular times.
Whenever they came, it has to be because of some particular reasons, which is an assuming-things-by-myself kind of reasons.

But right now, that feeling come again and I have a perfect song just for it. Every word to it is describing what's going on in my assuming-things-by-myself mind.

All day

Staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night

Hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

I'm feeling like I'm headed for a

Breakdown

I don't know why

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Me

Talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

I know

I know they've all been talking 'bout me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong

With me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow

I've lost my mind

I been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they'll come to get me

Yeah, they're taking me away

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know, right now you can't tell 

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 

A different side of me 

I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired

I know, right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me 

And how I used to be 

 -Matchbox Twenty

Onions

I love people. I really really do. Especially the ones I know.

The people in my life, they are like onions. 

There are the ones that give my life some flavors, and also there are some that water my eyes.

These people, they are the onions in my life.

T_T

I feel really really calm looking at this

English Oral

Hey amazing people! ^^v

This evening something suddenly struck my memory. I thought about my English Oral when I was in Form 4. I can still crystal clear remember how nervous I am standing in front of the class and I was like, STOP STARING PEOPLE! But, you gotta do what you gotta do ain't ya? So right now I decided to post an entry on the oral that I did. It's no awesome, but I just loved it.

For my oral, I did a storytelling and the story is entitled, ETCHED IN STONE. I also did a drawing of the story line so that people can visualise the plot. For the record, I had a tough time snapping the pictures of the story line because the kertas mahjong is so big! Okay so I'm just gonna write what I remember.

Here goes nothing!

ETCHED IN STONE

1) There were two best buds, 1 & 2. Somehow they got lost in the middle of the dessert with no water and food. They were very very exhausted after long hours of walk under the scorching sun.

2) 1 & 2 argued about directions and that argument led to a serious fight. Suddenly, 1 punched 2 in the face out of anger.

3) 2 was sad and he silently wrote something on the sand. He wrote, 'Today, my best friend punched me in the face'.

 4) After miles of walking, they discovered an oasis. They were absolutely thrilled and hurried for water to quench their thirsts.

5) Suddenly 2 slipped into the water and started drowning as he couldn't swim. As fast as lightning, 1 took action to save his friend. He jumped into the water and successfully saved 2.

6) After 2 regain his consciousness, he went to a rock. He engraved on the rock, 'Today, my best friend saved me from drowning'.

Out of curiosity 1 decided to ask 2 about it. "After we fought, you wrote about it on the sand. But after I saved you, why did you wrote about it on a rock instead?"

7) 2 answered, "Because you're an important person to me. When we did bad things to each other, I wrote in the sand and so that the wind will eventually erases it, and not just on the sand but in my memory too. But when you did good things to me, I wrote it on the rock so that it will be engraved forever. Just like it did in my memory."

-THE END-

So that's pretty much the whole story. Jeng jeng jeng! *Curtain falls

Doesn't 1 & 2 looked really really really cute? Hikhik ^_^

:O

Okay, lets sum up what I wanna say right now :

1. Haaaakkkkk!

2. Huaargghhhh!

3. Aaaaaaaa!

4. Noooooo!

5. Omonaaaaaa!

6. Arghhhhh!

7. Uhuhuhuk puh-leaasseeee!

8. Jeeeezzz..

9. Oh it's nothing... AAAAAAAAAAA!!

10. All of the above.

Okay, now lets sum up what I'm feeling right now :

1. Pins and needles on my back.

2. Choking air.

3. Shivering knees.

4. A lump in my throat.

5. A boulder on my back.

6. Rusty voice box.

7. Zero energy bar.

8. Blurry vision.

9. Numb.

10. All of the above.

Hikhik so that's all, okay boiboi everybody.

Lets sleep in the luggage :)

Double Dots and A Cresent

Sadness, pain, difficulties, disappointment, hurt. These are things that comes with life as one can never avoid having hurdles in life.

During these times, cliched sayings that helps bringing me confidence doesn't necessarily help. But what really help is remembering to smile constantly. Countless times I felt better after laughing off an unfortunate mistakes I did in the past and spending time goofing around with family and friends. At first it may seem like I'm wearing a smile that I don't believe in, but after a while I really feel better.

Sometimes all you can do is walk away, hide your tears, and just pretend you're okay. It's way better to smile through your pains.

Love you all, whoever's reading this.

Me :D

I rarely talk about myself in this blog. That's because I prefer to stay anonymous, not wanting my personal life intruded. But I'll spill a few beans this time, some basic stuffs.

These are the Q&As.

Q : Describe yourself.

( this kinda question to me is a tough question to tackle. I suppose it's appropriate to answer the question with yet another question and simply ask, "Well, what do you wanna know?". After about half and hour, I'll probably answer this )


Me : I'm an absolute awkwardo and uber shy.
But I seemed to break out of my shy shell some time around in high school. I think. I'm great at procrastinating.

I attended SMK Seri Gombak High School and for me it was all about prefect duties, SPM and attempting to get my homework done BEFORE Sunday night at 1am.

My most popular taunt during high school : BLUR
Ahh sheesh not just high school but until now.

Q : How's everything going on with your life right now?

Me : It's pretty good I guess. I mean, I have my ups and downs but with my family and friends here by my side. I ain't got nothing to worry 'bout. With SPM is over, I'm living a layback life right now and I'm enjoying every moment of it.


Q : What are your most favourite foods?

( Yet another tough question because I love all kind of foods. I eat almost everything and love to try new savouries. But most fovourite? I rarely have thick enough shoulder pads to counterattack with a touchdown answer. Am I being too dramatic? Haha. If someone put a gun to my forehead and demanded specifics, I'd probably splutter the followings )


Me : My mom's cooking, sushi, anything with chocolate, candy, western, anything with rice..

Q : But that's just about everything.

Me : Told you so. Next!

Q : What are your bad moments in life?

Me : 1. Getting hit with a shopping cart on the back of the foot.
        2. Stepping on a Lego. That hurts so bad..
        3. Accidentally destroy my paper while erasing.
        4. I dip the cookie into milk for too long and it breaks off.
        5. Shutting down the computer and realising I need it again.
   
Q : Stop! Everyone experienced that for crying out loud. I mean yours only. Bad things that gave you experiences, and made you who you are right now.

Me : Ooooooo. Well, that's worth another entry. You know what, I'll write 'bout it, in another entry, next time. See y'all later!

Q : Hey! Wait up! You forgot to return the microphone! Heyyy!!!

Human

What is it that makes us human?

It's not something that can be programmed.

It's not something that can be put in a chip.

It is the strength of the heart. 

                                                            - John Connor, Terminator Salvation

ℱℴℓℓℴω ℒℴѵℯ

It's 6 pm and this is happening! It's happening again! Sucha pain in the neck! I feel like I'm back to those dark days of anarchy!!

Okay, maybe I emphasize it a little bit too much..

You know, it's ironic but usually during the twilight, all the negative ions will start to hover me like the clouds, and a-waste-of-time thoughts suddenly fogs up.

I keep thinking about the times I messed up. The embarrassment I suffered, no matter how small. The screw ups I made. The people I pissed off. The failings. The things I'm not that I want to be, as well as the things I am that I don't want to be.

It scares me as I felt lonely and empty. I don't think I qualify for depression just yet, but I'm assuming that I'm 2 seconds away from it.


Point is, I keep seeing the negatives in my life. Where's this painkiller to my twilight disease? How do I shove off these feelings? Help? A chocolate? Doesn't work, tried it already. A teddy bear? No way, what am I? A 5-year-old? Okay maybe a hug from the fluffy teddy bear would help but then, I'll let the teddy bear be my punching bag to release all of my frustrations. Thank you teddy bear, to be sucha kind and emotionless stuffed toy even when half of your cotton is already outside your body. I'm just kidding, I would never do that to teddy bears, they're too cute haha! But frankly, it's because they value of money actually.

Okay let's get serious. Well actually I'm not that depressed as it seems. This entry does makes me look like that, but I'm fine. You know what they say, "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. That's why it is called present." I get that from the movie Kungfu Panda actually haha, but the saying does have some points you know. I mean, if we were talking about the past, it's a history. There's nothin' you can do bout it. I get that.

But like I said, sometimes I do think about what I did in the past. And the painful ones are always the one making their permanent marks in my memory. How I wish I could put all of them in the trash bag and bid them goodbyes as they go away in the garbage truck.

But then, I realised that whenever bad memories are haunting me, that's the time when I needed to be with my beloved family and friends and make good memories with them. Let the good memories replace the bad ones. Let bright replace darkness. Let happiness replace sadness. Let rookery replace loneliness. Let joy replace emptiness. And above all, let ℒℴѵℯ replace hatred =)

Wait people, I'm not finished just yet. I'm must not forget the most important part in this whole transformation.

This whole thing isn't gonna work if you forget Him. Yes, always seek for redemption and He will guide you through it all :')